My experience with depression and desperation was an energetic problem. I was like a pressure cooker, basically beating myself up against reality, having many energetic quirks, kundalini issues and rising chi. My life really shifted when I began to be able to feel reality on deeper levels, to sense the energy of a situation and become it, and to meld with reality and not be so at odds with it.
This process was very messy and ugly, and it did not instantly happen nor is it ever finished. It is a great love affair, a relationship which needs tending, and it is completely fascinating.
The most important step occurred for me when I began to see that I had been fighting against reality, like trying to walk against a great river. I was stuck, foggy. Unable to move forward. Unable to retreat. Out to sea. With time I began to be able to sense this current, to feel its layers and its fabric, and I began to move with the current. Little by little I began to have more and more faith in it, to trust it, so that my face would not be so flushed or contorted, my ears would stop ringing, and I would stop freaking out. It would settle through me even as I let it run free through me. I had been afraid and then would attempt to contain it, and in this attempt at control, I had become like a pressure cooker. A one point in this process I almost lost my eyesight because of all of this chaotic energy.
But through time, lots of intense exploration, and some very special experiences, my relationship with reality shifted and continues to shift, and now I am not so desperate, not so afraid. Our bodies are like kinked hoses, and we are all afraid of that which is flowing through us. It is not our muscles which are holding us up, but rather the one source of everything. Beginning the process of engaging with this energy/reality is very scary and very dangerous, but I truly believe it is why we are born into these bodies. To realize this true source and to die into it more and more. I truly believe it is guiding us at all moments. It is ever changing, so even if we feel that we’ve grasped it and know it, the next moment the flavor has changed, the winds have changed. But like the samurais of old, our awareness can become like a great rolling ball, melding with reality as it comes to us, falling in love, and diving into this great ocean of light at every step. If we can do this, we can be truly vulnerable, not so manipulative, so small, and we can have a true tool which will never go away, and we can realize the true joy of life.
I truly hope that those who are desperate and looking for a way to engage with depression and intensity will be as fortunate as me, and perhaps have the karma to encounter some truly wise people who have courageously walked that walk and come through, and are one with this great life energy. Actually I think we have no choice. Lots of love to all of you.